Hollywood Headaches: Jolie is lovey-dovey

O h, put your brother’s tongue in it (i.e., shut up).

“I love being with Brad, I love all the sensitivity and natural emotion,” Angelina Jolie said of Brad Pitt to a British newspaper. “I am very lucky with Brad… he is a real gentleman, but he is also a real man’s man.”

A “real man’s man,” like he bangs the help after you pass out amidst a pile of children?

Dick’s dick

Andy Dick is still allowed in public?

Aside from enjoying a good, old-fashioned grope, the man is a fan of dropping his pants. (Hey, me too! Call me. Retract. Abort mission. )

A Texas man is suing the comedian for suffering emotional distress and defamation when the comedian allegedly exposed himself at a show.

I mean, I can see emotional distress. The men’s room told me it’s a jungle down there. But defaming?

Oh Texas, stop wasting Legal’s time. He’s too busy screwing sorority chicks. Go buy some cowboy shit or something.

Bling for the Bieb

Holy shit, Biebs, there’s a baby around your neck!

Tangent A: “Bling” should have stalled at mod in 1996 with (the late) Biggie’s Aston Martin (that goes 160, swiftly).

In any event, Justin Bieber purchased bling. His first diamond accessory is in the form of an infant: Stewie from “Family Guy.” For 25K.

Let’s move to Tangent B before I see red: Bling embellishers (and skittle thugs), pull up your pants, assholes.

Oh, Snooki

Snooki’s driver’s license was revoked in Italy because she HIT A COP CAR.

SAID cop car was hired to escort her through an Italian city.

At least her new neck brace takes the focus off her… uh… everything.

McStupid

McDreamy, McSteamy, whatever, said he’s leaving “Grey’s Anatomy” after season eight. (Patrick Dempsey.)

I could care less about “Grey’s,” but this bit of news brings me to a Tangent C of the column: “Mc(s).”

Blah McBlahberson needs to end. Immediately. Although tolerable in the early 2000s, it got old three minutes later.

A decade later, stop McDonaldizing shit, Stupid McAsserson.

Good talk.

Lachey got wrecked

Nick Lachey apparently got tanked at his wedding shower.

“My liver is furious with me,” he tweeted the next day.

Liver Lachey, meet Pickled-Liver Fantz at the Whiskey Bar Friday at 8 for some light training.

Fret not, I’ll buy you a buttery nipple — with a nipple on the shot glass.

Get the girl a burger

LeAnn Rimes tweeted pics of her bikini body and got shit about being “scary skinny” from a follower.

“Those are called abs, not bones, love,” Rimes tweeted back.

Wow, those are really weird abs.

Not only do go from like your pelvis to your shoulders (those aren’t bones either, right?), but they’re all protrudy.

WebMD that shit.

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Tags: Jolie, Jolie Loveydovey
| June 23rd, 2011 by Joshua Goldfinch | Posted in American Celebrities |

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